it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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