I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
