it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
