im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
