I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
