I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
