I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
