I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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