I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
