i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.