I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.