sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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