I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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