my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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