I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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