is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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