I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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