my phone needs a breathalizer
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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