At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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