At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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