My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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