I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
