he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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