This is not my ceiling
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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