i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
