No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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