im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
