Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
