ugly people sure do ruin things
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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