So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
