I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you had me at cake vodka
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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