Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
