It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
