He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
