A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
