Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
