when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
