I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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