Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
