i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
