The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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