I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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