I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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