well I can't set my house on fire every night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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