She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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