You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
