If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
