There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
