I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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