I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
