i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
