I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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