im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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