i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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