I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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