I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
