When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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