maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize