nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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